Crashing and Burning.

After being on spring break for a whole 3 days, I can say without a doubt that this is much needed. I've done nothing, but simply enjoy time at the beach, reading, and spending time with the family. It's been a blast.

I've still been trekking my way through Love Does by Bob Goff and even though it feels like it's been a million years since I began it, it still hits me every time I pick it up. 

So the other day I was sitting on my beach trying to cover up every inch of my body because of the massive sun burn that is covering my legs, stomach, my neck (what???), and well, just my hairline (rest of the face was fine). I did a very poor job at putting on sunscreen, obviously. I was giggling to myself as I was reading through Bob's amazing and unbelievable stories of high tea in London and flipping Jeeps. I eventually got to a story about his son crashing his motorcycle. His son's reaction was pretty remarkable. Instead of being devastated he got up, brushed himself off, and said, "that was awesome." I was taken back by what Bob said next, "Sometimes the crashing and burning is awesome." How can crashing and burn be awesome? It's terrible. It hurts. It means we have to clean up a big mess and start from scratch.

Life is a process and sometimes we crash and burn, but those moments of failure don't need to looked at with shame or remorse, but maybe they can be moments we look at and remind ourselves of how awesome that season in our life was and the crashing and burning may have hurt a bit, but it's an amazing story now of persistence, God's faithfulness, and our most vulnerable states. 

Perspective. 

To Sum it Up.

Sometimes I feel like my mind cannot stop running. It's constantly moving with one thought leading to the next, almost so much that I can't hold onto to a thought more than a few minutes before I've taken myself down pointless and unproductive spirals. I find myself dwelling on the worse situations, insecurities, fleeting ideas, and crashing into creative road blocks. 

Thoughts are precious. I'm finding the things I should dwell on are usually the ideas I forget and the things I shouldn't dwell on are always the things that I remember. Part of this simplistic, minimalistic lifestyle is minimizing your mind. It's so easy to get so lost in our thoughts that we create our own chaos and we can't take a moment to stop, breathe, and recognize a sustainable thought. 

One of the ways I've tried to practice this is just by trying to take a thought or feeling and trying to capture it in a phrase. Something relatively simple and easy to remember, but something I can hold onto, write down, recognize my thoughts that came along with it. Then I can decide if it's something worth dwelling on or something I can move on from. 

Give your mind a break. Allow yourself to process. It has AMAZED me how much it has changed my attitude and perspective when times get rough. 

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. " Philippians 4:8

Live Everything.

Live everything. 

I've been trying to practice this mindset for the last several months and honestly it can be a shockingly hard thing to do and do you know why?

Pride.

I would love to throw up a phony smile and a few laughs here and there to come off like I'm completely okay, but seriously what good does that do? I fool a couple of people maybe, but why? 

I have never seen the great need and goodness to be so authentic with my emotions, my heartbreak, my desires, or my questions until now. Each and everything I experience should be fully lived out because they deserve to be. I deserve it. If I'm angry one day, well then I'm going to be angry. If I'm sad another, then I'm going to be sad. Each of course should be done completely appropriately. Don't go carving nasty names into any cars or anything like that. Take your experiences seriously. Live them out authentically. All the hurt, anger, joys, questions, loves, mistakes are all apart of the life process. Each one is a stepping stone into the new seasons of your life and those should be loved and cherished. And yes, even the painful ones. 

There is such a sweet freedom we get to have in the Lord and I think part of that freedom is to live our lives exactly as they are because He loves us exactly where we are and places us there for a reason. 

Love the process. Love where you are at. Experience it. 


Here's a little quote by Rainer Maria Rilke that just has been a sweet reminder to myself the importance of living this out. 

"have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903

For The Times When Too Much Is On Your Mind.

Stop.

Take 3 deep breaths.

Close your eyes.

Say "Lord I know you are faithful and good."

Then say 10 things you are thankful for.

Start your day.

The Search for Closure.

I have three questions that have been on a constant repeat in my mind for the last month or so now.

Why did this happen?

What did everything before this mean?

What do I do now?

Constantly they replay themselves over and over again. And it just stinks. Can I say that? It's awful. Break ups, loss, heartbreaks all just stink. And we are left with these questions just constantly repeating themselves. I tend to think that if I have all these answers then maybe just maybe I'll have closure. Closure. We long for it as if it was a necessity. Our hearts ache for it, seeming to break and fear that without it, our hearts will always stay broken.

But why?

Well honestly...

I don't think we need it.

And I think that's okay.

I think rarely the Lord will ever give real answers to our questions in the way we expect them to come. We weep and hurt in the process, but maybe the true grace is being okay in the unknown. The 'whys' torture our souls. They feed off of fear, anxiety, and pain. They complicate the already complicated process of processing. If I really believe that the Lord is faithful and good then I have to know and be okay with resting not in a 'why', but in a 'why not'. And it's not because the Lord doesn't love me. Everything is always done because He does.

So instead of closure, I am resting in knowing His grace and love is enough.

Dear 2013

Dear 2013,

You have been quite the year. Even in the midst of a really trying and painful month, I can look back and see so many beautiful memories. I learned how to paint. I started my own jewelry shop and actually have found a bit of success in it! I minimized my closet and began the process of minimizing various things in my life. I learned how to sew. I moved into an apartment with my best friend. I made new friends. I saw friends fall in love. I saw my sister go off to school in California and my brother start high school. I saw God's grace and continuously saw it everyday. I learned what it meant to be present in moment and love it. I started doing yoga. I fell in love. I realized it wasn't my own, but it was given to live in and be embraced by and recognize the Lord's faithfulness through every step. I took a risk I can't and won't regret despite the heartbreak. And even in the midst of a hard end of the year, I see the Lord ever more present. I still feel His peace and believe in His peace and the great comfort of it. Wherever the Lord leads me in 2014 will be just as amazing. It will be filled with heartbreak and joy, but either way I will grow closer and closer to the one who has always been present. 

A good friend told me the other day she is claiming 2014 to be a year "from ashes to beauty." I think she was right. Beauty and restoration are near. 

Happy New Years,

Mariel 

Processing.

I've been deciding for the last week the best way for me to approach what I've been processing. Now do not assume I know everything I am saying, these are simply the minimal thoughts of a long journey.

Love is a risk. Love is patient and kind. Love is selfless. Love is not ours. Love is never in vain.

That's all I have right now.